External Hard Drives Part 2
by Jenna P
A few months ago, I took on the painfully agonizing, maddening, full of self-loathing for not having been more organized ten years ago, and dreadfully boring task of reorganizing my external hard drives.
I found some incredible things. Many, many, MANY sunk costs (“thank you but no thank you” gifts from my past self), a shocking amount of duplicates or trash, and a surprising number of material that can now be repurposed.
In this treasure trove of abandoned art, in particular my self-tapes, I absolutely see what I’m still working on. I see the moments where I’m phoning it in and pushing too hard. I see myself showing rather than telling, the places where I’m carrying extra physical tension in my shoulders, my torso, my neck, my jaw, or my forehead (damn you, furrowed brow line). I hear the moments where my voice is shaky and when a note is breathy or pushed. I feel when the accompanist and I are making music together versus when we’re performing different songs. No wonder Jen Waldman is always advocating for us taping our work in class!
What I can’t see are the things that I worried about and cringed over at the time. I can’t see how pale I thought I looked or how flat and thin and stringy I worried my hair appeared. I can’t see the small chest and extra weight around my middle that I was convinced people were staring at when I walked into a room. I can’t see the imaginary “horrible fashion sense” that I told myself I had. I can’t hear the unhireable placement, flat tones, sharp quick vibrato, or not-up-to-snuff musicianship that I obsessed over in practice rooms. I can’t see the naturally talentless storytelling and lack of credentialed technique that I insisted on apologizing for in my conversations with the people behind the table.
We, like other freelancers, sell a product and a service, and that product and service happens to be ourselves. And, as a freelancer, I am consistently looking for new work. When I’m looking for work from people who may not yet know and trust me, I have to provide samples of my previous projects, self-advocated samples of me. And if I’m not willing to objectively consider the worth of my work from another person’s perspective without worry that it’s not good enough to share, how can I properly advocate for winning the bid?
Seth Godin says freelancers need to devote time to developing both their craft as well as their business. Moving forward, yes, of course I will stay committed to bettering my craft through classes, and I am also committing to connecting with new people and reconnecting with former employers by reaching out and sharing what makes me, me. Including sharing some relics from the hard drive archives. Maybe it’ll be the exact amount of quirk someone is looking for in that exact moment.
